Kangaroo Mick

An homage to “Crocodile Dundee” and “Kangaroo Jack,” even though it really has nothing to do with either one.

Frankie Goes To Bollywood

My journey through India.

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (as written by a lawyer)

Back in 1997, I received a very entertaining e-mail which was nothing more than the poem “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” rewritten entirely in legalese.  I know it was 1997 because something possessed me to print the e-mail and save it for future enjoyment.  I recently discovered the printout and, what with it being St. Nicholas Day with Christmas three weeks out,  decided to retype the entire thing and share it with all of you.  You’re welcome.  [I have no idea who wrote this version, so I am unable to give credit where it’s due.  Also, everything was copied verbatim from the original message, so I assume no responsibility for any grammar or spelling errors.]

Enjoy.

‘Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place or residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential (party of the first part), including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.  Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas (party of the second part).  

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.  My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself – thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.  With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen – “Now Dasher, now Dancer…” et al. – guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. 

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved – with utmost celerity and via a downward leap – entry by way of the smoke passage.  He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulate on the walls thereof.  His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.  

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability.  The capillaries of his malar regions nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion’s floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.  His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared small, tabular, and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly.  His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.  He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being.  By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.  Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, place a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.  He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed.  But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: “Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.”

Home again, Home again…

A few final thoughts to end the day:

1) It’s a long drive, but having Homer Simpson’s voice on your GPS helps.

2) Even though he was 95 and very ill, I’m really going to miss Nelson Mandela.

3) I’m really looking forward to “Sound of Music Live!” (Would that make it SML?)

1000 Miles From Nowhere

I’m often asked what is my most favorite place that I have ever visited.  While I’ve enjoyed pretty much every place I’ve been to, the one that stands out more than the others is Papua New Guinea.  “Why?” you ask?  Because PNG (as it’s referred to) has probably changed less in the last 100+ years than just about everywhere else on Earth.  In fact, it has probably changed less in even the last 40,000 that humans have been living there.  That and the fact that it is the most linguistically diverse place on the planet, with more than 850 languages being spoken there.

This video that I made shows only a sampling of the 5 days that I spent in PNG (cut down from the almost 3 and a half hours of video and hundreds of pictures that I took).  I’ll be posting more video from my time there at some point.

The song is “1000 Miles From Nowhere” by Paul Hardcastle (www.paulhardcastle.com).

How I Came Up With The Name

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B2xvzlSx86eAY1M3LU5ZZ1pMbkk/edit?usp=sharing

After completing a two-year mission assignment in East Africa back in 2012, I fulfilled a childhood dream of traveling around the world. I started in Egypt and continued east until I arrived in St. Augustine, FL a month later. I documented my travels and put them up on sites like YouTube for others to enjoy. This is the mini documentary I made about my experience in Egypt.

Here is everything else you need to know:

-I was in Egypt during the Arab Spring. Less than two months after my visit, Mohamed Morsi would be elected (and then deposed a year later).

-I stayed in reputable hotels and was always with a guide whenever I left the hotel. I was never in a situation where I felt my safety was compromised.

-Some of the sites I visited were off-limits to *any* kind of photography. My guides were even forced to confiscate all of my cameras before entering them. As a result, I was unable to document certain places I visited, like Tut’s tomb. I did, however, find pictures and videos on the internet from some of these places and decided to include this content to allow viewers to experience (in some small way) what I experienced.

-The video I made was nothing more than an attempt to make my vacation videos and pictures more enjoyable. I feel that the “borrowed content” that I used falls under “fair use” in that it promotes education about Egypt and is done so in an entertaining way. Additionally, I am not making a profit on this. I provide my entertainment for free. That said…

-I do not own the rights to the music, pictures, and video clips that are obviously not mine. I gave credit to those responsible for creating the original content.

-I hope this video provides at least somewhat of a different insight into Egypt than most people get by watching the news. I think people from Egypt would even appreciate it as a travelogue for their home country. As a matter of fact, when I posted this on YouTube several months ago, it was starting to get several views in Egypt. Unfortunately, YouTube stepped in and muted the entire soundtrack, so I decided to pull it.

Enjoy.

Home for the Holidays (Wherever that is now)

A mere six weeks after moving out east, I am now back in the midwest to enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday.  It was a no-brainer for me to come back, but I’m hoping it doesn’t affect my transition from the old home to the new home.  Although I had been out there for six weeks, I had only been living in my new apartment for about two of those.  Those two weeks felt like months based on how much stuff I had to get (and how many trips I had to make) to get the place furnished.  Now, my place is more livable, and IKEA and Target are the richer for it.  Even with all of that was going on, I had to get used to the new digs.  Meeting new neighbors little by little.  Figuring out the new system for things like trash disposal and submitting maintenance requests.  And trying to figure out if those mysterious vibrations in the building are being caused by the myriad HVACs perched atop the roof (i.e. right above me), passing trucks delivering their supplies to the newly-opened Safeway across the street, or both.   

Now, here I am, back in my old bedroom at my parents’ house.  Even though I couldn’t wait to get out of here almost two months ago, it feels really nice to be back.  That said, I’m a little worried that coming back here so soon after moving away may compound my growing pains after I get back there again.  I’ll find out soon enough.

 

2.0

Ladies and gentlemen, Rock and Roll.  Those words began the first ever broadcast of MTV on Saturday, August 1, 1981, back when people tuned in to hear their favorite music, watch their favorite videos, and wonder when the first episode of Catfish would premiere.  In no way am I trying to equate this blog to the opening broadcast of MTV, but on a personal level, this is something that’s both groundbreaking and experimental.  You see, this is my first ever attempt at a blog, or at least one that was put together and moderated only by me.  [By the way, I purposely used the word “attempt” because I really don’t know how quickly this will take off or even how far it will go.  I guess time will tell.]  

Even though I’m late to the blog rodeo, I feel like it’s the perfect time for me to start one.  I just recently moved to Washington, DC (from Wisconsin) to start a new life.  Just the tabula rasa I needed.  Additionally, it’s probably high time for me to transcend a different forum of social media.  I have had Facebook and Twitter accounts for several years.  Twitter seems to get more pointless by the day, and Facebook is becoming more and more superficial.  A blog seems to be the next logical step in the progression.

When you put up a blog, you have to make two assumptions: 1) You will have something important to say; 2) People will give a (darn) about what you say.  Well, I can’t control how many people will show up or what they will think, so, hopefully, I’ll have enough important things to say.  

 As to how I’m going to approach this, I honestly have no idea (Let’s cross that threshold together, shall we?).  It might be a place where I ponder the mysteries of life.  Then again, I may need yet another place to post my travel videos.  I once heard a comedian say that he tells jokes that he thinks are funny, and if the audience happens to agree, it’s a bonus.  I’ll be posting things that I think are funny or interesting.  If you agree, great.  If not, that’s fine, too.  I’m aiming for somewhere between “mediocre” and “Buzzfeed,” so I imagine I’ll hit the mark more often than not.  Who knows? Maybe I’ll even be the inspiration for the next “Julie & Julia.”

And now, without further ado: “Video Killed the Radio Star” by The Buggles.